When I initially studied Rorschach in a college educational psychology class, I was fascinated with the idea the the mind fills in unfamiliar things with familiarity in order to find peace. The theory is that secrets of a person’s perception can be revealed based on the images they see from ink blots. For me, as I had my nightmare, I could see nothing but ink everywhere. The test itself was obscured by more ink. As I had the dream again and again, I started to see things in the bits of white. I started to notice butterflies and bugs and trees and faces.
My spouse or my children would take risks out in the world, and I would see contagious ink all over my house. I retreated into my garden. On Mother’s Day, it rained and I cried. It wasn’t possible to spend my day out in the yard in that kind of torrential downpour. I set up our family tent that day, and I found peace in my back yard for the rest of the season. I sat by the pit fire outside and avoided being in my house.
In October, my spouse caught Covid-19. I left the house to stay with my aunt and uncle. The first night I was there, I had the dream again as always, but there was a shift. There was no faceless man. I put the ink blots on the wall so I could look at them all together. My hands were still covered in ink. My prints and my marks were all over the walls. The room was covered floor to ceiling in ink blots, hand prints, and smeared thick black liquid. There wasn’t a single place for the eye to rest. It was oppressive, but there wasn’t anyone yelling at me for the first time in months. I sat in the room and wept.
The next night, I saw the room again, but the room wasn’t wet. The ink had dried. I could take papers and rearrange them into different order to make balance. Small sheets of paper were grouped in between larger, bold black prints. There was a window window in the room for the first time.
The next night when I visited the room, the ink was dried, the papers arranged, and outside the window were colored butterflies flying around.
The next day, I bought paper, ink, gelatin, pan, and I began making my dream. In the following weeks I made many paper pieces with gelatin mono print ink and Rorschach inspired ink blot butterflies and bugs.
I ordered them into panels that would be 7′ tall to be stretched on PVC pipe. The panels would then make walls to an enclosure to surround me while I process my dreams. I crocheted the individual papers into large blankets of paper and yarn. There was a soft edge around every harsh image and edge. There were holes to see through to the other side. When the light was strong outside, the prints from the back sides appeared to bleed through the butterflies. The light was beautiful even through the confusion.
I began to heal.
Mudança 