The Plan

I should have been in Scotland already. I was set to be there in February, then I was set to be there in March, then I pushed it back to “later.” Today I feel the full weight of being both locked in and locked out.

People around me are getting the vaccine, finally. It seems I am on nobody’s list anywhere. I receive automated messages, or no messages. I am locked in my fear, locked out of my future, and I don’t see the end of it.

“Why don’t you just…” fill in the blank. I am not an unkind person, but I am actually begging for all of you to remove this from your vocabulary with me. I am doing everything I possibly can. The tiger locked in and then poked isn’t unkind either, but it will eventually remove your incapability of compassion that surrounds your innards and leave all of it in a pile of entrails not worthy of its digestion.

Graphic?

Yes.

This is how I feel every day, all day, and all night. “Why don’t you just” try living in hyper intensity for a straight year, and see what you can manage in the way of grace…

This is me. I am signing off for the day.