Today, I need to talk about choice

I have one vaccine dose making antibodies throughout my person. The second dose is less than a week out still. I got my hair done because it was flat and sad, like me. I am whole heartedly subscribing to the philosophy “fake it until you make it” while tears stream out of my eyes. I am catching up on things that have been put to the side, but really, if they were on the side…do they matter? There is so much grief to be had in all of this, and yet nobody I know has actually died from COVID. Nobody I know has lost their home or food stability from it. I continue to make art with my privilege, and I am grossly aware of the unfairness of that. I also feel robbed. I feel like I have no rights to my feelings of intense loss. Like if I haven’t lost enough, I can’t feel loss without it feeling like over indulgent pity.

I hurt so much. I have lost all sense of peace. COVID isn’t the only source of assault by any means. There are battles on so many fronts. My eldest progeny is in college. My youngest will be there soon. They are headed out into THIS world of intense uncertainty. The life built with them tucked under our family unit is changing. My faith in myself and my gut is shattered with anxiety. I have made so many choices that have too long lasting impact, and I have failed to make choices that in effect are choices too.

But, I have made art – a lot of it. Creating in this environment never felt like choice but rather compulsion – like my body needed to make choices over my paralyzed soul. The last year has been the most productive of my life while concurrently being the most painful.

My Choice

I am creating without choice as it is expelled with a force like compulsion
Sometimes there is beauty found in sorting the expelled, acidic revulsion
More often, the comfort comes from seeing the turbulence settled after dizzying revolution
Once the world stops spinning and I once again see clearly without convolution

Once again - pause to reflect and make calm choice
Find the simple, pure message through Sir Noise's chaotic voice
Regain balanced composure and even with poise - rejoice
Rebuild new perspective from ground up, hoist strong reinforced joist

Reinforced by the history of survival and healed emotion
Stronger to manage the next storm within or stomach to travel the next ocean
See with transparency the next risk or wild mental notion
Make choice solid over involuntary, fear-filled commotion

I want peace to outweigh the pain in my art
I want my choice to be respected as truth from my heart
I need my family and my friends and my loves to take no part
Don't dismiss, devalue, reject - don't silence my creative start

This is my simple news
Let - ME - choose
Let me find and explore my muse
It is mine alone - mine to choose or mine to refuse

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